There are just too many stories I enjoyed to fit into one blog post, so I will be doing a few posts about pieces I really enjoyed. Over all Best Sex 2013 is an excellent snapshot of the modern world of sexuality and the stories are diverse ranging from informative, to titillating–and of course provocative.
If you are interested in reading it for yourself check out the Book Giveaway
Jimmyjane FORM 6
Isaacson does a masterful job of blending the history of the evolution of the sex toy industry through the eyes of Ethan Imboden, the creator of the internationally successful brand Jimmyjane while still including the essential knowledge that you must fit into any piece on sex toys, the Victorian antiquity that gave rise to the vibrator as a treatment for hysterical women.
Upon Imboden’s first visit to a sex industry show Imboden (who by the way is gorgeous) was put off by the tawdry collection of flashing lights and tacky plastic animals. He found it, according to Isaacson, somewhat unpalatable.
Um…hi Ethan ^_^
This piece really spoke to me as not only informative about the health and safety issues around sex toys, but also the aesthetic revolution they have undergone in a short period of time. I’ve been going into sex toy stores for as long as I’ve been able to get away with not being asked for ID. For many years, they existed in Edmonton on the margins of society, tucked away in the corners of the city forgotten by the endless attempts at gentrification.
In my second year of University, on hearing that my friend had never been in one I gleefully dragged him to a seedy location right by our University (the arts campus, like the sex toys is also placed on ‘the wrong side of town’–go figure). The shelves were full of cheap plastic vibrators and those eerie-to-the-touch fake vaginas that have grown dirty from the endless hands prodding them. There was little in the was of aesthetic appeal in the store it radiated ignominy.
The state of affairs I came across in my perusal of sex toy stores, peddling marital aids (and false piousness) did not go unnoticed by Imboden, a stylish man who realised all around him where people drawn to beauty and craftsmanship, people who worshiped the aesthetics of design (think apple products). The sex toy industry, he noticed, with it’s candy-jewel colored vibrators featuring cheesy pictures of over airbrushed porn stars, was not reaching out to that cliental base effectively. Isaacson writes, ”Jimmyjane’s conceit is to presuppose a world in which there is no hesitation around sex toys” and indeed Imboden has been integral in raising the expectations of the pleasure industry by delivering high-quality and well designed packaging, “Jimmyjane was the first to present sex toys in white packaging”. This clean modernist look, in addition to winning design awards, has now been picked up by other purveyors. It’s fitting that as we work to end the shame around sexuality, we bring along our improved toys.
Kate Millett was the first to define and bring focus to the term “sexual politics”. Her work is categorized into three parts: sexual politics, historical background of such politics, and the literary reflection, or content analysis around sexual politics. Millett’s book laid the groundwork the way for the 70s feminism. She opposed the prevailing critics, like Betty Friedman, and insisted that social and cultural contexts must be studied if literature were to be properly understood. Up until that point it was generally maintained that the Author was the Authority.
Read this today and it was too good not to share. The following is a 1968 essay by Kate Millett that was circulated before the publication of her book Sexual Politics. The ideas within it were later incorporated into Chapter 2 of the book.
It’s 2013 and men need to start living like it. No more of this Marlboro man shit. It’s all about stepping up and doing the roles that were traditionally assigned to women but it turns out that men can do to. Even in spite of commercials that make men look like idiots.
Want to be treated as equals? Start acting like it. Drop all of the immature tendencies and focus on yourself. Too often we see men succumb to the pressure of people’s opinions when they should just be out there living for themselves.
Times have changed and men need to realize it. This is the time for you to change the standard and take what you want out of your life. Otherwise you will be stuck in the same rut you have always been in.
10. Try to limit your unsolicited advice, it’s not that cute.
Today with all the social media in the world, it is easy for men to get caught up in the vanity and assume that women give a shit about what they think. We have seen an epidemic over the past year that has developed and took the nation by storm. Yes, we are talking about the infamous mansplain. Gentlemen, it is time to realize that mansplaining isn’t that cute. For some reason, once a man decides he has a manly opinion on something he feels that it is appropriate to let the world know. Everyone is entitled to his opinion over and over again. Please stop this epidemic before it becomes worse than it already is.
9. You don’t always have to be right!
When it comes to arguments, especially in relationships, men have chips on their shoulders that they always have to be right and things must always go their way. Probably has something to do with their relationship with their father. This ties into number ten, we know it makes you feel important to know everything; however, you must understand when to stop. We understand you like to push your limits and you want to get as much as you can out of every situation, that you want to be perceived as a smart and capable man, but there comes a point where you must realize that it’s getting a bit excessive. You need to know when to let things go.
8. Realise you can get as much as you give
****super stars indicate importance
Reciprocity is a cornerstone of good sex. As Dan Savage says any model in which oral doesn’t come standard should be returned to the lot. So give as good as you get.
7. Your life on Facebook is not real, no one actually cares about your statuses.
I get it, you want to be popular and sound deep. Maybe you’re even a bit of the sensitive new age male and you’ve been taking a yoga class and heard some deep quote you want to share. Maybe you write some shitty blog on the internet. Maybe you like to write lists even, that tell other people how to live their life. It’s easier to let go.
6. Not every girl wants to be “just friends” but the ones that do don’t wanna fuck you. Ever. Stop it.
Guys there’s not really a fine line between friendship and fucking. You kinda need to get over that because hearing about the friendzone constantly makes us want to brick up our vaginas and move to Inuvik. Don’t be so creepy and assume that women are all commodities for purchase and you have to buy us dinner and bottles in order to have sex with us. Probably that won’t work if we don’t want to have sex with you anyway. Probably you’ll just find a woman who is ok with you spending money on her–and trust me, she’s not going to feel guilty about.
Oh and keep telling us that when in doubt, know that men are generally looking to lay the pipe and then wonder why women don’t want to be left alone in a room with you.
5. You don’t have to make the same mistake twice when it comes to relationships
Men spend so little time doing any sort of self-reflection. To the point that they decide hey! I’m going to write a list that projects my masculine ideology on to everything. It’s like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant. The internet is my fire hydrant!
Freud told us men have a tendency to fall in love with their mother and want to kill their father. Don’t fall into this trap! Grown ass women in relationships don’t want to be your mommy. No matter how bad you need the V, take a long breath, step back and assess the relationship. Try to come into it as a fully-fledged human being who understands that they are dating another fully-fledges human being with complex issues and personality quirks.
4. “I was so drunk” is no longer a legitimate excuse to be reckless.
We (you know, alcoholics) have all had our YOLO moments when we get blacked out drunk and don’t know what we are doing. That’s not an excuse for all the drunk ass man behavior I see every fucking weekend. Being a drunk asshole doesn’t mean you should be excused for jumping on peoples cars, chasing women who don’t want to talk to you down the street, and puking in a cab so that your friends have to clean it up.
No, but seriously dudes it’s time you realize your limit. Getting blacked out and sloppy is not cute.
Also drinking does lead to many unnecessary mistakes, so stop the problem before it starts. “I was too drunk” is no longer a good enough excuse for your mistakes. At the end of the day, you know your limit and no matter how much your dude-bros keep pressuring you to slam down jagermeister, if it’s going to put you over the top then just politely refuse.
3. Be Healthy and Learn How to Cook for Yourself.
Many men get offended when they are told to cook. This is probably because they harbor some of those mommy issues we were talking about earlier. Instead of needing your girlfriend at home to make you a sandwich why not be a functional adult and stop calling for pizza, get off the damn couch and into the kitchen? Now, I’m not telling you that you all have to be culinary experts, but there is nothing wrong with knowing how to prepare a few healthy meals just to break the mold. Also there is no quicker way to a woman’s heart than through her stomach. Women need food to live too!
2. You don’t have to tell women that they don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy!
So stop complaining that bitches only want to friendzone you and like, go play some golf. For some reason men have this false idea that women want to be in relationships all the time or they won’t be happy. This might be because they like you, I know I honestly have a hard time believing it too. Trust us, women, as the traditional servants of the household, really do know how limiting a relationship can be. It comes with certain satisfaction too though. We can be trusted to make up our own minds about this.
1. Have (and give) more orgasms
Nothing to add here except that it will probably calm the mansplain a bit. Have a nap after. Remember to stay hydrated.
Extra Special Free Unsolicited Advice
Oh, and maybe try not to shame women for having too much sex, not enough sex, being in a relationship, not being in a relationship, taking pictures, not being self-assured, not cooking enough, not drinking too much, not drinking enough, not being fun enough. Try to understand that women are people and they don’t owe it to you to subscribe to the narrow focus that you have decided is appropriate behavior for a woman.
It’s 2013 and men need to start living like it.
Here’s some more pictures of men narrowly defined as the only ones society could find attractive. And one black guy thrown in for tokenism. Make sure you picked up the subtle implication that you need to be attractive or you are worthless as a human.
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Ernest Hemingway
Firstly, I must acknowledge that it is weird for me to give writing tips. It feels weird, like I’m trying to elevate myself above my own skills. Gentle reader I don’t want you to think I have this overly inflated opinion of what I write. And yet, as William Zinsser, who wrote On WritingWell says, “Writing is an act of ego, and you might as well admit it”. So of course, when someone asks me to give him or her tips I am happy to oblige.
There’s a plethora of advice from writers. It seems like it is a favorite topic, and small wonder. It takes up a lot of time.
Some of my favorite work by Stephen King is his writing about writing. He tells us: “Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It’s about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy”.
Oscar Wilde wants you to know, “those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope. They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only Beauty. There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.”
We’ll start off with the three questions that I was asked on Twitter.
Why do I only feel good for 30 minutes after I write something?
That’s called a writer’s high! It’s a rush of endorphins and the satisfaction of completion. There was a study in 2007 called Putting Feelings Into Words published by UCLA which found:
“linguistic processing of the emotional aspects of an emotional image produces less amygdala activity than perceptual processing of the emotional aspects of the same image”
Or, put simply, assigning words to feelings reduces the biological impact of felt experiences. Writing then, is therapy, and as such it will inspire a spectrum of feelings within you. It’s the release of creative expression combined with the desire to speak, to share. Writing either for publication, blogging, or journaling is outside of the realm of writing as a communication function. You want to communicate of course, but you want a deeper connection, you want your audience to listen and possibly to act.
Ernest Hemmingway said that, “after writing a story I was always empty and both sad and happy, as though I had made love”. Sometimes I leave the computer elated and fresh with a rush of serotonin, and other times I close my Macbook feeling defeated and very stupid. I know the high doesn’t last long (the exact time frame quite possibly has to do with neurochemistry) but cherish it while it lasts.
How do you stick to one topic when there’s so many vying for your attention?
I don’t know because I don’t write one thing at a time. I always have several lists of ideas and outlines going on. Right now I have six other windows open with article ideas, a note pad with six ideas, and at least three articles I have promised to write and barely started. If any editors ask—I already started them and they can expect them any day now.
Some projects will never be complete. You’re desire for them will fizzle out like a love affair gone awry. There’s no reason to be monogamous with your writing. Flirt dangerously with a variety of topics.
How do I get over the fear of writing out difficult or controversial topics?
The asker of this question told me to be nice, because the standard ‘suck it up and do it’ advice wasn’t working for her. I tend to come from the school of tough love so that would probably have been my immediate response too. But I have others!
When I want to write something controversial, I think about why I feel called to. You have to feel called, I think, as if it were a religious experience (as an agnostic writing is as close to a higher deity as I ever feel). The most important things are the hardest to say. And, with writing as activism you have to bring the strength yourself. Because ultimately, no one asked you do it. Remember you can write even if you don’t know everything. Maya Angelou will tell you, “a bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song“ and so you must write not because you have all the answers—trust me you don’t—but you must write only because you feel you must. It’s an impulse.
As for the blowback, that will happen and if you do a good job the attacks will come back personal because you’ve touched a nerve. You can tell yourself not to read the comments, but you will. They will hurt you. You might cry. Reflect on the criticism. Read where the audience does not agree. Discover where they misinterpret your words. It will make you a better writer faster than any writing exercise.
The best things happen in the most uncomfortable spaces. Read Coalition Politics: Turning the Century (google it). Tweet at me and tell me your sorrows.
And as always, follow the advice of Mr. King when he says: ““kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings”.
Excited to announce a contest for the first time on Dispatches from Paradis. I’ll be writing about entries from Best Sex Writing 2013 and interviewing the Editor on May 24th (more details on that to follow) you can enter to win here:
The ‘Best Sex Writing’ series has has fundamentally changed the way people think—and what they say—about sexuality. Once again, Rachel Kramer Bussel has collected the year’s most challenging and provocative nonfiction articles on this endlessly evocative subject. The essays here comprise a detailed, direct survey of the contemporary American sexual landscape. Major commentators examine the many roles sex plays in our lives in these literate and lively essays. Judged by the Dr. Carol Queen, who iswithout peer, this stunning collection of sexsmart essays is sure to stir the heart, the brain, as well as other major organs.
I don’t usually use these, but this is an exceptionally touchy piece. Trigger warning: Rape, sexual violence, torture
In India more than 90, 000 children go missing every year and 34, 000 are never found.
The girl I am writing about today was help captive for four days. Her parents were offered money to not file a report about the rape. The father is struggling to keep the family going on a wage of R150-200 per day.
I write this with quiet, and sometimes not so quiet, desperation. I don’t feel like anyone is listening. I either exist in an echo chamber, or with dissenters who call me idiotic and delusional. Friends, family, loved ones—everyone is getting tired of me writing about rape, tweeting about rape, and posting about rape on Facebook.
This little girl was raped, tortured, and left for dead. The country is recalling the brutal gang rape and murder of a 23 year old woman in India who succumbed to her injuries.
Anne Thériault of the Bell Jar recounts words given to her by a reader from India. She writes a plea to share the stories of these victims because they face so much apathy by their religious and political leaders. She writes:
The last time it happened, I signed petitions with friends for severe punishment to those rapists who raped a 23 year old, I wrote articles, protested, debated. But the second case, that happened just yesterday has shattered me so much I seem to have lost my voice In India, we all protest and then our voices just die down. No kind of internal pressure makes the government take strict decisions. Rather, in the December 2012 case, a religious leader came up with the hideous statement that had the girl begged for her life from the rapists and called them her brothers, they would have stopped and she would have survived. One of the leading female politicians said, “Women shouldn’t go out after 9 at night or dress provocatively.” We scream, we shout and the police bashes up innocent protesters and social workers and students. Our voices die down within the country and awareness is blindfolded by our own leaders.
This doesn’t happen in some isolated corner of the world, as much as the Western tendency is still to paint the rapists of the world as shadowy others. As those supposed creatures lurking in the shadows that torment women. Rape culture knows no boundaries. In Torrinton Connecticut two 18 year old football players were arrested and accused of statutory rape of two 13 year old girls. And who could forget Stuebenville Ohio. And Rehteah Parsons. And Audrie Pott.
As Jessica Valenti says in The Purity Myth: “Now, should we treat women as independent agents, responsible for themselves? Of course. But being responsible has nothing to do with being raped. Women don’t get raped because they were drinking or took drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren’t careful enough. Women get raped because someone raped them.”
Frances Andrade, a violinist, killed herself in the middle of the persecution of her rapist. She texted a friend three days before her death saying she felt as though she had been raped over and over again.
In the midst of this, alleged human being Dean Saxton holds up a sign at his University proclaiming that “you deserve rape” if you dress like a whore. Dartmouth college students receive death threats and rape threats for speaking about the schools attitude towards sexual assault. Every one of these cases has some element of victim-blaming. You find it less with children of course, because we as a society can at least appreciate that children are not ‘asking for it’. None of these victims are asking for it. No one wants to be raped, and the persecution process is so grueling it feels like being victimized over and over again. The entire process illustrates that in society it is more shameful to be raped than to be a rapist. We don’t treat people who are robbed with the same suspicious treatment. We don’t tell them that if they didn’t lock their door they were asking to be trespassed on.
I no longer believe people when they decry rape and yet refuse to believe that it is a cultural problem. I don’t say ‘rape culture’ meaning that there is a group of people deciding to get together and rape people, or decide consciously that rape is funny. Rape culture is an ideology and that is what makes the problem so insidious. Ideology is an invisible structure. Ideology is the set of cultural norms in which we exists and though it varies by religion and political affiliation the mere conviction of beliefs held by pundits should be enough to tell you that it has the capability to appear unquestionable to certain factions.
1. Never expect to wake up on the right side of the bed.
Every night we go to bed wishing the next day will go the way we want it. But our days never turn out exactly as we want them. Changes in plans, unmet deadlines, unavoidable circumstances, and even our own laziness can contribute to this.
