The 10 Things Men Need To Realise in 2013
Generalizations for everyone
In honor of Eddie Cuffin. Who wrote this
It’s 2013 and men need to start living like it. No more of this Marlboro man shit. It’s all about stepping up and doing the roles that were traditionally assigned to women but it turns out that men can do to. Even in spite of commercials that make men look like idiots.
Want to be treated as equals? Start acting like it. Drop all of the immature tendencies and focus on yourself. Too often we see men succumb to the pressure of people’s opinions when they should just be out there living for themselves.
Times have changed and men need to realize it. This is the time for you to change the standard and take what you want out of your life. Otherwise you will be stuck in the same rut you have always been in.
10. Try to limit your unsolicited advice, it’s not that cute.
Today with all the social media in the world, it is easy for men to get caught up in the vanity and assume that women give a shit about what they think. We have seen an epidemic over the past year that has developed and took the nation by storm. Yes, we are talking about the infamous mansplain. Gentlemen, it is time to realize that mansplaining isn’t that cute. For some reason, once a man decides he has a manly opinion on something he feels that it is appropriate to let the world know. Everyone is entitled to his opinion over and over again. Please stop this epidemic before it becomes worse than it already is.
9. You don’t always have to be right!
When it comes to arguments, especially in relationships, men have chips on their shoulders that they always have to be right and things must always go their way. Probably has something to do with their relationship with their father. This ties into number ten, we know it makes you feel important to know everything; however, you must understand when to stop. We understand you like to push your limits and you want to get as much as you can out of every situation, that you want to be perceived as a smart and capable man, but there comes a point where you must realize that it’s getting a bit excessive. You need to know when to let things go.
8. Realise you can get as much as you give
****super stars indicate importance
Reciprocity is a cornerstone of good sex. As Dan Savage says any model in which oral doesn’t come standard should be returned to the lot. So give as good as you get.
7. Your life on Facebook is not real, no one actually cares about your statuses.
I get it, you want to be popular and sound deep. Maybe you’re even a bit of the sensitive new age male and you’ve been taking a yoga class and heard some deep quote you want to share. Maybe you write some shitty blog on the internet. Maybe you like to write lists even, that tell other people how to live their life. It’s easier to let go.
6. Not every girl wants to be “just friends” but the ones that do don’t wanna fuck you. Ever. Stop it.
Guys there’s not really a fine line between friendship and fucking. You kinda need to get over that because hearing about the friendzone constantly makes us want to brick up our vaginas and move to Inuvik. Don’t be so creepy and assume that women are all commodities for purchase and you have to buy us dinner and bottles in order to have sex with us. Probably that won’t work if we don’t want to have sex with you anyway. Probably you’ll just find a woman who is ok with you spending money on her–and trust me, she’s not going to feel guilty about.
Oh and keep telling us that when in doubt, know that men are generally looking to lay the pipe and then wonder why women don’t want to be left alone in a room with you.
5. You don’t have to make the same mistake twice when it comes to relationships
Men spend so little time doing any sort of self-reflection. To the point that they decide hey! I’m going to write a list that projects my masculine ideology on to everything. It’s like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant. The internet is my fire hydrant!
Freud told us men have a tendency to fall in love with their mother and want to kill their father. Don’t fall into this trap! Grown ass women in relationships don’t want to be your mommy. No matter how bad you need the V, take a long breath, step back and assess the relationship. Try to come into it as a fully-fledged human being who understands that they are dating another fully-fledges human being with complex issues and personality quirks.
4. “I was so drunk” is no longer a legitimate excuse to be reckless.
We (you know, alcoholics) have all had our YOLO moments when we get blacked out drunk and don’t know what we are doing. That’s not an excuse for all the drunk ass man behavior I see every fucking weekend. Being a drunk asshole doesn’t mean you should be excused for jumping on peoples cars, chasing women who don’t want to talk to you down the street, and puking in a cab so that your friends have to clean it up.
No, but seriously dudes it’s time you realize your limit. Getting blacked out and sloppy is not cute.
Also drinking does lead to many unnecessary mistakes, so stop the problem before it starts. “I was too drunk” is no longer a good enough excuse for your mistakes. At the end of the day, you know your limit and no matter how much your dude-bros keep pressuring you to slam down jagermeister, if it’s going to put you over the top then just politely refuse.
3. Be Healthy and Learn How to Cook for Yourself.
Many men get offended when they are told to cook. This is probably because they harbor some of those mommy issues we were talking about earlier. Instead of needing your girlfriend at home to make you a sandwich why not be a functional adult and stop calling for pizza, get off the damn couch and into the kitchen? Now, I’m not telling you that you all have to be culinary experts, but there is nothing wrong with knowing how to prepare a few healthy meals just to break the mold. Also there is no quicker way to a woman’s heart than through her stomach. Women need food to live too!
2. You don’t have to tell women that they don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy!
So stop complaining that bitches only want to friendzone you and like, go play some golf. For some reason men have this false idea that women want to be in relationships all the time or they won’t be happy. This might be because they like you, I know I honestly have a hard time believing it too. Trust us, women, as the traditional servants of the household, really do know how limiting a relationship can be. It comes with certain satisfaction too though. We can be trusted to make up our own minds about this.
1. Have (and give) more orgasms
Nothing to add here except that it will probably calm the mansplain a bit. Have a nap after. Remember to stay hydrated.
Extra Special Free Unsolicited Advice
Oh, and maybe try not to shame women for having too much sex, not enough sex, being in a relationship, not being in a relationship, taking pictures, not being self-assured, not cooking enough, not drinking too much, not drinking enough, not being fun enough. Try to understand that women are people and they don’t owe it to you to subscribe to the narrow focus that you have decided is appropriate behavior for a woman.
It’s 2013 and men need to start living like it.
Here’s some more pictures of men narrowly defined as the only ones society could find attractive. And one black guy thrown in for tokenism. Make sure you picked up the subtle implication that you need to be attractive or you are worthless as a human.